Fatso, my feisty but beautiful cat of nearly 11 years left me; or better yet, I guess it’s more proper to say that I let her go.
Tests showed that her kidneys were failing and that her condition was grave. If she was fighting, I would have fought with her, but her temperature was dropping and her body was not fighting anymore. She couldn’t stand properly, let alone walk. Her last few hours, it was almost as if she was just dragging herself. Her renal failure was taking her quickly away from me.
Before I even talk to the head vet of Angeles Pet Care Clinic, I already knew what I wanted. I promised Fatso a few hours back that whatever I decide, by God’s grace and wisdom, I hope that it would be to relieve her of the pain she was experiencing. I want to give her awesome life a justice by not letting her suffer anymore. So when Doc Eli recommended that we let her go now and that I should accept it, I told him I was ready. I was thinking if I should wait for my sisters who were in Manila; but there was no assurance that she can wait for them. The decision was mine but I still wanted to ask Doc how long will she still live if I don’t put her to sleep, he said maximum 1 month.
Holding back tears I asked, “Will she be in pain the whole time?”
He said, “Yes.”
It was clear to me then that I will not drag this anymore.
Some people might think it was a hard decision to make. It wasn’t. It was painful in the heart, yes. My insides are still dying, yes. My heart is broken into ten million tiny pieces, yes. But thinking the love I have for her and the extent on what I would do to protect her, it wasn’t a hard decision to make. I praise God for the courage to say, “I want her out of pain” because the moment I said those words, I felt like a huge part of me will never be okay again.
The last minutes that we were together, I was holding her and she was limp and barely moving. Did she know what was about to happen? Did she think I was betraying her? Did she want me to fight for her? Did she want to be with Doggy already? I won’t know the answer to any of these questions, but all I know is that, I wanted her out of the misery.
So when I said, it was time to let her go, Doc Eli asked me if I was okay already. I told him I could hold Fatso for a year and the need to hug her, touch her and be close to her will never be fulfilled; I will never be ready. But she was in pain; she needed me to be strong to stop the pain.
There were two shots; one to put her to calm state and sleep. The other one, a purple liquid to make her heart stop beating. The vet asked me for a go signal for the procedure, I gave my go but before that I wanted to kiss her and look at her eyes because that will be the last time I would see them look at me. Then the first shot was given; she was asleep in seconds.
The vet again asked me, if I am still a go to give the purple Euthal liquid. The first shot just made her sleep, she would still wake up. This second one would be irreversible. I said yes, but I would just want to kiss her again. The last moment we would spend while she is still alive. So I did, and for the last time that she could hear me, I told her I love her and I thanked her for everything. And before I can change my mind, I gave my go signal. I saw the purple liquid getting through her body and I thank my Mom for being there and holding my hand; a few moments after the vet said that my baby was gone.
A chapter of my life ended. She was given to me by a good friend when I was 16. She was one of the few constant things in life. She was with me while studying late nights; and still with me when I was working late nights. Some of the people who are consoling me come from the different parts of my life; some I don’t talk a lot anymore – but just goes to show how long she has been with me. I thank God for everyone who understands and supports me in this part of my life – my Mom, Dad, Jill, Lz, Aunty, Achi Rose – who took care of Fatso with me all these years; my Boss who said it was okay not to work, my friends who understand and grieve with me and Carlo, who came all the way from Makati to Angeles just to be with me. I appreciate all the support and love I am getting from everyone.
Fatso was feisty and fierce. She wasn’t the kindest. I think she knew that she was special; and she kind of put that in her head. She lived her nearly 11 years terrorizing other cats and people; she only let a few of us in her life and that’s what makes us feel more special. She wasn’t friendly to everyone, but she liked us in the family. It was as if we were privileged to be liked by her. As if it was a favor she was giving to us.
And it was. It was both a privilege and favor to be loved by her. To feel that in her exclusive life, I was allowed in. She was true to the saying, Dogs have masters, Cats have staffs.
I have a scar in my right leg; she was once on the table and I was sitting on the sofa and wanted to jump to me. But she was standing on a newspaper so she slipped, she didn’t reach my lap but instead slid and my leg was the only thing she can attempt to hold onto. So I have a nearly 4 inch scar, which has faded over the years; I looked at it yesterday and I’m glad that I have something to remember Fatso by my whole life.
Fatso was feisty but on her last moments, she looked tired, old and ready to rest albeit still beautiful. And me, as her faithful staff for nearly 11 years, I will give in to hopefully her request, put her to rest with dignity, like how a queen like her deserves.
Goodbye Fatso, my insides are still dying but I’m glad you are not in pain anymore. I hope you are with Doggy now, and playing once again – both of you healthy and crazy and feisty. We will all be good here, but it’s never going to be the same.
I love you forever, goodbye.
Dear God, thank You for being my comfort and for the courage and most of all, for Fatso’s nearly 11 amazing years with us. I know Your creation is amazing, and I will forever marvel about its vast greatness and I thank You for the privilege of lending me for some years one of your amazing creations. But just like anything You give, Fatso is and has always been Yours. Thank You for the her; please give me and my family Your comfort. As much as I know Fatso has to go, it still hurts 😦
In Jesus Name, and for Your glory I pray, amen.